Jesus emails

I think a couple of entries ago I wrote about the commuter bus I took to work. If not, here's a short summary: I used to catch the world's friendliest bus between Hendersonville and Nashville. The same group of people caught the bus everyday and everyone knew eachother by name. I hate public transport, but I loved getting that bus.

When I left Hendersonville, I exchanged email addresses with a number of my bus friends. I've been keeping in contact with most of them. One woman, however...

She was absolutely lovely on the bus and we got on famously, but no matter how many personalised emails I shoot her way, eager to know about the latest developments in her life, all she sends me back are JESUS EMAILS

Today I opened my inbox only to be greeted with the subject line, "God wants me to tell you something!!!"

This was certainly a surprise because even though we've had a rocky relationship over the years, the Lord knows that if he wants to talk my door's always open. Naturally I wondered what God needed to tell me so badly but was too shy to say directly. Based on my past experiences with proxy communications, I thought it'd be one of two possible messages:

• Do you want to go to the dance with me? Yes/no (tick one)
  
• You have a piece of spinach or something in your teeth
  

Natch it was nothing quite as interesting. Just a bunch of Jesusy quotes and this baffling image. Who uses a rose as a bookmark? Why is everything lit up like a Vegas strip joint? I am so confused



Now I've seen Joan of Arcadia and Bruce Almighty enough times to know that when God does manifest himself to humans, he takes the form of (a)a cute teenage guy or (b)Morgan Freeman. He doesn't go around telling middle aged women to spam their friend's inboxes with sickly sweet prose and epilepsy inducing animated GIFs in his name. Christ.

I don't think she even reads my emails, so here's what I'm going to say next time:

Now God wants me to tell you something!!! (Clever subject line, no?)

Does the State of Tennessee know that their employees are churning out God bothering emails on the public dime? Don't you have a job to do? Also, write a proper email to your friend. Sending a forward is just lazy.

And I shall enclose this picture*


*Picture is irrelevant, but it makes me LOL.